I'm starting to wonder if I should change the name of my blog to just that... "Confessions of an At-Home Mom".
Now back to what I want to confess about...
*DISCLAIMER - This post is personal. It's about me. It's about my son. My life. My family. It's about what means most to me and if you do take the time to read it and leave a comment, please be respectful. All comments are reviewed and nasty comments will be deleted. If you do feel the need to judge me and want to leave a nasty comment, please feel free to email me directly at: stephanie[at]mynewlifeasmom[dot]com.*
Today was an interesting day. It started off well at home, relaxing with my boys. Today was J's 9 month appointment and we had to be there by 1 o' clock pm. We made it on time, as usual and got all set up. He was weighed, measured and poked. He received one shot and we talked about the last couple months of J's development as well as how I've been handling mother hood.
J - 9m 11d
17 pounds 10 ounces - 7th Percentile
28 1/2 inches long - 50th Percentile
18 1/2 inch head - 75th Percentile
As for how I'm handling motherhood, great! There were a few things I wanted to ask about, however.
One. I find myself getting grumpy over the dumbest things. It's been getting more frequent and I hate it. Not with J, so much, but more with adults. I've been talking to my friends and some of the things they say just get my goat and I seriously just want to tell them to screw off. I get pissed off and snap back. Up until the last couple days I've blamed it on them. I've wondered what's crawled up their butt and why they were taking it out on me. Now? Now I realize that maybe it wasn't them after all. I've been getting pretty 'snappy' with everyone lately and I feel like such a horrible friend. Who would do such a thing to those they love? I hate that I've treated people this way.
Two. Everyday has put a tighter and tighter strain on mine and J's breastfeeding relationship. I love nursing him. It's so easy! What I don't love, however, is that his top teeth are causing such a problem with our latch/nursing experience. The more they grow in, the more painful it becomes and the harder it is to nurse him. I have nursed him for 9.5 months and every day has become harder. My goal has always been to make it to one year. It would devastate me to give up early. Not only because I want to give my son the very best for the first year of life, but also because I would be embarrassed to tell someone (later in life) that I stopped at 9 months. I am so damn competitive that I simply can't give up now. If others can make it a year, I have to, too. However, when I am crying every single time he nurses, this is where it becomes a problem and we need to rethink our planning. I've tried every different position. Every different latching technique and every different tool that I can think of. He wont take a nipple shield, at all. He just tries to bite it, which makes it worse.
Not to mention that I'm so tired lately that everything is making it worse. I love my dr and trust him with our lives. He explained that the mood shift is par for the course. He thinks that a teething baby, lack of sleep, extreme pain when nursing, etc... is the cause for my moodiness and I'm right at the cusp of things getting better. J will get a little bit older and a little less needy. A little easier in a since. (harder in another). We talked about when we should wean and what would be an appropriate time. His comment was, "9 months is an honorable amount of time to breastfeed! If you feel like nursing is contributing to your mood swings, it's not worth it to continue. Sometimes sanity for the entire family is a little more important than continuing to nurse." The one thing that helps me with this is that he will only be on formula for 2.5 months which, in turn, isn't an extreme amount of time to be on it before he can go to cows milk. However, I don't want to feel like a failure to him or anyone else I know. I want to make it to 12 months. Oh how I wish to make it to 12 months. I want it to be easy for me or even tolerable but when you're nursing a piranha, it's a little difficult when you think that this could go on for another TWO.AND.A.HALF.MONTHS! He has to be in the PERFECT position and that takes some work, some things to prop him up and a wide space for me to sit on. It's definitely not easy, but it works, for now. Nursing in public, however, fail!
On top of all of this, Senior and I have been way too busy (and exhausted) lately to do pretty much anything. We've had a hard time keeping up with daily chores and one thing that has gone to the way side is laundry. I've been able to keep up with diapers but it's getting very difficult. The system that I have current (and even the one I want to get) will require me to use half the stash on day one while the second half is in the laundry. Then while the first half is being washed on day two, the second half will be used. So essentially I'm still doing one load of laundry per day. PLUS, it's not just a load of laundry. It's in the washer for 3 wash/rinse cycles and in the dryer for 2 full drying cycles. It ends up taking up space for like 4 hours and when you only have a few hours a day to get house work done.. it can be a chaotic mess. I've been so exhausted that the last thing I want to be doing at the end of the day is spraying out cloth diapers or staying up late to get them finished, as I have been. I mean it's bad enough that J gets up 4-5 times per night. I'd kind of like to get some sleep at some point.
Needless to say, decisions had to be made at some point in time. I try not to say I failed but I have a hard time not thinking that. My mom hit the nail on the head when she said, "You can't think of it as you failed! You have to think of it as he's growing up and moving from one point of his life... to another. He's extremely healthy and has received the absolute best for 9.5 months! What more can you ask for?" It will take a while for me to get this through my head though, I'm sure.
As a family we've decided two things and come to a realization in the process. We will continue breastfeeding but at home only. J is a large kid and I am a small mom. J is almost half my size and it's so hard to try to get him latched on in a position that doesn't just kill me. Then I have no room to prop him up (football hold - only one that even helps the pain) so he's squirming, trying to nurse, screaming because he's not getting anything and I'm trying to get my boob in his mouth, hold him in the right position, hold the nursing cover down, hold his hands from pinching my boob (to get it in his mouth). Etc. It's an endless battle that is completely impossible without getting milk EVERYWHERE, soaking my outfit AND his.. showing the entire room my breast and having him scream because it's just not working as he'd like it to. We will nurse at home and formula feed when we're out in public. (We're usually only out 2 days per week so I'm okay with that.)
We've also decided to switch back to disposable diapers. I know how bad this sounds and I truly feel awful about it but when it comes down to it.. I NEED the help from my husband and he just doesn't understand cloth diapers. He doesn't get it, regardless of how many times I show him. It confuses him. You should see the way my son comes out with the diaper on. Many times the front flaps are hanging out his leg holes and many many times it has leaked and it's useless. Not to mention that J is having HORRIBLE diaper rash. He has a very strong pee and lately has had a horrible bout with diarrhea. I've put him in disposables to save the cloth diapers from the nastiness. Not only is it EVERYWHERE but it gives him instant diaper rash. The only way I can even keep it under control is to SLATHER on some extra strength diaper rash cream. It prevents future potty from coming in contact with his skin. (I've removed foods from our diet, looked at everything we've done and can't figure out what's causing it.. the dr is watching us both closely to see what's going on).
Lastly, we've realized that we need to stop worrying about what people will think of our decisions and do what is right for our family. Ultimately, when it comes down to it, our family is what matters and over all, we need to do what is right for us and do what keeps us sane.
Thank you for reading my vent. I guess I'm more just trying to get this out there, rather than looking for input. But please, feel free to leave comments if you'd like to.
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