Friday, July 31, 2009

my time is running short...

Many of you may know that I've spent that last month with my mom up in Washington (state, that is.) and many of you probably know that I'll be home this coming Wednesday. I have so many mixed emotions about the whole thing that it isn't even funny. I swear my brain has turned to mush quicker than a rotting banana. Since this is the case.. I'll give you some bulleted lists of why I'm happy AND sad about the fact that my time is running short.

Why I'm Excited (to go home):
  • To see my husband! First and foremost it's to be with my husband. I have spent a whole month away from home and have gone 2 weeks without seeing him. I miss him like crazy and can't wait to be back home with him.
  • To show my husband how much I've grown in the last month.. well, more along the lines of how much the little man has grown. I keep telling him I'm the size of a moose, maybe he'll believe me when he sees me.
  • To have my husband get to see and talk to the little man, again. He's spent 3 weeks away from him, total, and it makes me so sad to think that he's missed out on a whole month of the pregnancy.
  • To sleep in my own bed.. oh my goodness. If any of you have ever been pregnant and slept on someone else's bed, you know what I am talking about. It just isn't (ever!) as good as your own.
  • To see my Kaydee girl. I miss my girl so much. I'm used to seeing her every single day and talking to her all the time. She ALWAYS gets one bite (sometimes more) off my plate of food - and NO I do not let her take it off my plate.. when I'm done eating, I save her a piece of grilled chicken or a steamed veggie or something of the sort and throw it in her bowl. Geesh. I miss giving her my food and giving her belly rubs.
  • The sooner I get home, the quicker time will pass and the sooner this baby will come!
  • My prenatal appointments.. I just love my OB and simply can't live without seeing her at least once a month. (going to be every two weeks, here, VERY soon! - *Happy Face*)
  • Trips with my husband and friends. Whether it be weekend trips to the beach, day trips to the lake or afternoon trips to the farmer's market, I love every single trip that I get with my husband (and friends) and I can't wait to get back into that routine.

Why I'm Sad (to go home):

  • I won't get to see my mom whenever I feel like it. I won't get to spend time with her and dave; looking at baby stuff, working on baby projects, playing the wii or just watching stupid infomercials as dave is yelling at the TV that we just "HAVE to buy this!"
  • I won't get to spend every evening in the kitchen, with my mom, cooking dinner for everyone. If anyone knows me, at all, they KNOW that I LOVE to cook. I love to cook anything. Even if I don't like eating it, I'd still LOVE to cook it for you! The fact that I won't be able to do that anymore anytime soon, breaks my heart.
  • I won't get to laugh at my mom with all the STUPID phrases she says (backwords, I might add) or all the weird little names that she comes up with to call things. - have to mention this one... last night we were watching a show on TV called "WILD Russia" and it was talking about all the animals that resided in russia, what they were, what they did, etc. This one animal came on the screen and it seriously looked like an antelope, however, my mom swore it had the nose of a camel.. so she proceeded to call it a "Camelope". Oh my gosh, it was so funny.
  • I won't get to laugh at the REDICULOUS things that mom and dave do when they're in the heat of the moment. - Gross! Get your mind out of the gutter!! For example; yesterday my mom was cleaning this one condo (she's a housekeeper) and there was a bat outside the door (a bat as in, "I suck your blood!") well my mom called the front office for some "bat removal" and Dave came to the rescue (he's a maintenance worker at the same place). He showed up with a LONG pole with a suction cup on the end, a bucket and a long bath towel. To make a LONG (and funny!) story short.. he managed to REALLY piss the bat off, but got him, safely, out of the doorway and let him go in a field. (the pole was a pole that they use to change light bulps - the suction cup divise did NOT help, LOL)
  • I won't get my mom's awesome head massages anymore. I have a headache just thinking about it.
  • I won't get to take runs to the store just for stupid little things that we're looking for; ice cube trays, cross stitching patterns, etc.
  • I won't get to show my mom my belly anymore before the baby is born. That's the one that hurts the most. I've truely enjoyed having my mom become part of this pregnancy and am going to go back home to her being far away, again. I don't like it and I'm not happy about it.

Thinking back, my mom and I have always been pretty close - well, up until I hit my teenage years and became just like her, then we tended to butt heads. However, we're now back to being close again now that I've grown up, some and realized that all the bickering and arguing just isn't worth it - Now that I've gotten pregnant and become a Mommy, I can't imagine my son not being able to see his Grammy. She's been such a HUGE part of my life and it just rips my heart out to think that he won't get to see her when he wants to. We won't get to take evening trips to Grammy and Popi's for dinner or have Grammy and Popi over for a BBQ or some sort of celebration. I am going to go out of my way, as far as I can, to tell Junior just how much his Grammy and Popi love him, but will it be enough? Honestly, how will he know if he doesn't even know who they are? Will he believe me? What if he doesn't believe me?

I just wish we were closer. I wish Grammy and Popi were close enough that we could decide, that afternoon, that we were going to head to their house for an afternoon playdate. That we could spend ALL of the holiday's together and that we could take trips together so they can experience and love their grandson like I get to experience and love him.

I want them to be able to tell him, themselves, that they love him and "see you tomorrow" without it being over the phone and distant.

As you can tell, I'm having some sort of emotional breakdown when it comes to this. It's all I've thought about lately and I just don't know how I'm supposed to fix it all.

How am I supposed to keep my family close when we're SOOOOO far apart?!

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