Thursday, March 10, 2011

Green with Envy

When we grew up, we never had much. We were lucky to have cloths on our back and food in our belly. Said cloths were hand-me-downs and the food was often from food banks or purchased with government assistance. My mom always did the best she could and often worked 2-3 jobs at a time trying to pay for our bills, rent, etc. We never had cell phones and I can only remember having a computer for a few months before we had to return it due to not being able to pay for it. So in school, when it came to researching reports or other class activities, I had to do it old school, you know, pull out the encyclopedias at the library, old school. We were never able to participate in school sports or any functions that required entrance fees or any other type of payment. We just could not afford it. We hardly ever complained and learned never to ask for anything.

Growing up in that type of environment has a tendency to make people jealous of even the smallest things that you absolutely have no control over. Even today, I battle with this very thing quite often. Many times on things I cannot control and I hate this feeling.

Ever since I was a little girl, all I have ever wanted to be was a Mother. I have always wanted a big family and that dream has never changed. When I finally was ready to start trying, I never imagined how difficult it would be for us to conceive. I never imagined that it would take 57 months before we would finally learn that we were pregnant. That is almost 5 years! We tried every single thing possible to help us conceive. Everything. From herbs to medications, taking our temperature every morning to timing intercourse. It quickly became stressful and we were running out of options. We finally put our live in Gods hands and in the hands of our fertility doctors and prayed that one day we would become parents to our own little miracle.

It took many tries with fertility tests and procedures and then we got the news. "The only logical way you can conceive is to use what is called Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection." It is where I to through 2 months of medication to prepare my system. Then they aspirate my overies and remove any eggs and take a sample of sperm from my husband. Then they select a tip top sperm and inject it into a top of the line egg. After which, placing it in an incubator and hoping for the best. After 3 days the placed two great embryos back into my uterus and it was time to wait another 14 days for a blood test. This test would determine if I was indeed pregnant, or not.

The time came and I went in for my test. I was supposed to receive the results by noon. I waited and waited and waited some more. Eventually it was after 4pm and I still hadn't received results. Needless to say, I was panicked. Of course it didn't work. I was not pregnant and yet again we were going to feel the heart break of another wasted effort.

Just before lunch, that day, my husband called to tell our IVF coordinator to call him with the news that way if it was false, he would be able to break it to me easier than she would. All afternoon I continued and continued to text my husband to see if he had received any news. Every text was responded with, "not yet." My heart was slowly breaking. I could not imagine how this could turn out right. Once again I was going to be told bad news and I just don't know if I could handle it one more time.

I knew my doctor's office closed at 5pm and we had to get a call before then. We just HAD to. Around 4:30pm I text my husband asking one more time, "anything?". "Not yet. :(" I seriously felt like I was standing on the very edge of a cliff and I was just waiting for someone to push me over. Off the cliff. I begged. I prayed. I pleaded. I did everything I could think of to just please let this one work. At that point my husband text letting me know that he was going to stop and get his hair cut on his way home. That he was in the waiting area, waiting for the hair stylist to get finished so he could get in the chair. I think I may have freaked out. I was thinking, "What the heck are you doing?!?! You are waiting for an IMPORTANT phone call and you are going to get your hair done... what if she calls while you are in the seat?!?! What are you going to do? 'Um, hold on, my phone is ringing.' I doubt it! GRRRRRRRR!" So about 20 minutes later my husband walks in the door with a dozen roses and a balloon that said "A NEW BABY!"

Sadly, I did not hit me right away. All I said was, "did she call?" Yes. "What did she say?" She said that we are pregnant. "Really?! What was my level?" I am not sure but we are pregnant. "NO! I want to know what my level was! She said it was supposed to be between 25 and 125." I think she said it was 358. "WHAT?!?! Really?!?!?" I then proceeded to dance around the living room while bawling. I was ecstatic. It finally worked. The pregnancy went great and I gave birth on November 12, 2009 to an amazing little boy (pictured above).

He is now almost 16 months old and it is getting closer and closer to the time when we decide when to 'try again'. We have always wanted a big family and regardless how we have to get there, we will do it. What really bothers me (referring to the beginning of this post) is when I find out other women are pregnant. If I am pregnant when they find out, I am elated, because they are pregnant and will have a little one of their own. If I am not pregnant, I am so jealous. I was hoping that this feeling would go away after I had my son but due to recent news that I have received from just about everyone and their sister, everyone is having babies.

To me, it hurts. It is just another reminder that my husband and I cannot have children easily. We have to go way above and beyond to create a little addition to our family. I simply do not understand how people can take that for granted. To take the fact they can conceive easily and flaunt it around like fertile little rabbits.

Please do not get me wrong. This post is not directed at anyone (especially you, D!) so please do not take it that way. I just wish I did not feel this way. I wish I could genuinely be happy for people creating their families and love it as much as they love it when we do the same without the feeling of being jealous. Envious and wishing that we could do the same. So natural and effortless.


  1. I'm so sorry you had such a hard road to getting your son. Someone close to my is facing that same difficult challenge right now and I was so nervous about letting them know that we are expecting.

    How would you suggest handling this since you are on the other side? I don't want to flaunt my pregnancy but it would also be very unnatural to never talk about it until the baby is born.

  2. I'm so glad you have your son, I was so nervous to tell my best friend that I was pregnant...since my pregnancy was not planned and she has been trying...I took her to lunch and told her my news...she was so happy for me, but I was aware of the fact that she might be upset. Good Luck working on the next little bundle!

  3. I feel exactly the same way, although it was not hard for me to get pregnant. My daughter is almost 2 and I want another child, almost desperatly. I always wanted my kids to be close in age, unfortunatly we are not finacially ready yet to have another. I do get jealous when I hear of friends getting pregnant, especially with their second child. But I will just have to hang in there until the right time. God luck with your second pregnancy journey.

  4. Oh Steph, I certainly remember you calling me, trying so hard to sound sad...I knew better! You tried to trick me, but alas, I KNEW you were prego! Being jealous is just a natural feeling, and you have every right to have your feelings. I went through the same feelings for 3 years also. Waiting to conceive Brynlee was awful. I had the jealousies too! Running out of stores in tears at the sight of a pregnant woman. I look back now and even though we aren't having more kids, I still see people popping out babies and feel that same feeling that you do. You will make more beautiful babies, and we will foster beautiful babies, but we both can look at what we have right now and be so proud! I'm proud of you!


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